Posted by Regina Howell Non-HBCU: HBCU Supporter
on August 23, 2004 at 05:14:41:
Breaking up is hard to do... Isn't that the name of a song? Breakups are typically not very pleasant. Sometimes they can be downright ugly. There really does not seem to be much you can do to avoid it. People's feelings get hurt, past issues are revisited and things that should not be said are screamed with reckless abandon. And at the end of it all, usually one - if not both - will walk away feeling empty and with no sense of closure.
This process is very complicated and draining. As we get older, there is also much more at stake; there is much more invested. This can make the decision to breakup a terrifying thing. I mean, how do you know when it's really over? When is it truly, absolutely, without a shred of doubt, time to end the relationship and move on? If you are 30 years old and you have spent the last 4 years of your life cultivating a relationship with someone, these questions can keep you up at night wringing your hands, biting your nails... It is something to consider. You spend all that time learning how to share your life with someone, becoming a part of one another. And then through a series of circumstances, actions, whatever - you realize that this is not the one (or at least you have a very strong feeling that this is the case). How exactly do you come to terms with that? How do you make sense of it? How on earth do you find the strength, courage and temerity to end the relationship?
We all know that there are many awful things about breaking up. It is bad enough having to stress about starting all over again. But it can be downright awful if it is not a mutual decision. It can almost make or break your sanity. It is such a beautiful thing when two people in a relationship can come to an understanding that the relationship is not something that has long term potential. And, with that understanding, make a mutual decision to ease into an amiable parting. Is it such a foreign concept to engage in a mature breakup? Does such a thing even exist? Or is it like looking for a unicorn? You have heard grand tales of it, and you want to believe it is true, but an impassable doubt lingers... Well, if I may extend a sliver of hope - I can assure you that it does exist. It is possible to love another person and understand that you do not have common goals that will get you through 'happily ever after.' It may take some time to ease into the transition out of the relationship, but there is something to be said for the beauty of compromise and the dignity that accompanies it. It is a much more humane alternative to the train wreck in which so many of us wander in the aftermath of a breakup. In the end, you may find that you have a great friend, a life-long friend.
So, what of starting over again? Well, not so fast! Sit down and rest a moment. Ever heard the word 'reflection?' It can be defined as mental concentration or careful consideration. It is something that any person should engage in after a significant separation. Life does go on. Love does happen again. And you never know, one day you may rediscover your life-long friend and rekindle the relationship you weren't ready for then.
In the fine words of Lord Alfred Tennyson, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."